"Strange Man in Girls Department"

I have thought this for a while now as I regularly shop for my three daughters, but it just really hit me yesterday at WalMart.  I may, on occasion, look like a weirdo in a store.  I know to some friends this may not come as a shock.  I know many friends thought I looked like a serial killer when I use to wear my golf shirts buttoned right up to the top and tucked into my jeans. Or, in college, when I came back from a semester abroad with a full beard. However, in the circumstance I am talking about right now, I am completely innocent.

My wife had asked me to pickup underwear for our 10 year old daughter. I had no idea I would have to decide if she would like briefs, hipsters, or bikini style.  I needed to decide whether to get her size 10 or 12 (so she can grow into them).  So there I am, with several packages in my hand, and I am looking over them very intently.  I probably also had a grin on my face ... But only because I was thinking about something funny I had said earlier in the day that was completely unrelated to the current situation.

So, my concern is that from a far someone could easily get the wrong idea and think I am just a perv getting his kicks in the girls department at WalMart.  It also felt different today because these were the biggest sizes in the girls department. I realized I am one size away from handling teenage girls panties. (Hmm. That statement is a lot worse in writing. Oh boy.)  I did not have as much an issue buying size 2, 4, 6, or even 8 underwear.  I guess the double digit and the beginning of the choices of styles just really got to me.

I guess going forward my options are for the wife to start buying the underwear or only shopping with the girls by my side as evidence that I do have daughters.  However, if those options are not available I will have to do it myself.  And, I am not even sure how I am going to feel going back there by myself.  I already have this uneasy feeling that the store has my picture up in the back office and will be watching me closely each time I enter the store.  And because of that, I will probably just run through the girls department and grab whichever package has the right size on it, no matter the style or designs.  The only problem with going to fast is if I make a wrong turn I will end up in the women's lingerie department.  And I know for a fact that if you handle packages in that department with a grin on your face you do get kicked out of the store immediately.  On a different topic, only four more months until I am allowed back in Target!

Conflicting Priorities: The Elf on the Shelf

"I really dislike our Elf. Second night of season and already forgot to move him. #parentfail"

I posted this on Facebook earlier this week and the response was incredible. One friend responded that I'm probably mad because I did not think of the idea first. While she might be onto something, that is besides the point.  This damn Elf just plain drives me insane.

My frustration has nothing to do with all of the creative displays people are doing with their Elves, or the, um, strange predicaments they put them in. It is simply based on the fact that my wife and I forget to move the damn thing more times then not.  And then we spend the next morning coming up with excuses why he did not move.  He is around for 24 nights and for me that is 24 too many. We do not even do anything elaborate with our Elf.  We just move him from one location to another, but even that causes more stress then it should.

My post prompted alot of, um, helpful suggestions: excuses we could use to help explain his lack of mobility, ideas for new Elf locations. A couple friends even suggested I set an alarm each night at 9:45 to remind me to move the Elf.

Unfortunately, that timer conflicts with my long standing alarm that reminds me to steal a piece of the girls' Halloween candy, grab another beer, collapse on the couch, watch a TV show that I like, and celebrate all of my "angels" being asleep.

Ironically, my post about the Elf also generated the interest of a producer at HLN's News Now.  Tune in today at 3pm to hear the discussion ...

Wedding Quote Wednesday

Here are a few funny quotes from the past to get my Atlanta friends feeling good on this miserable rainy hump day.  All of my other friends can enjoy too, even if it is not raining where you live.

1.   October 2010 - Kelly and I were talking about when she gets older and moves out of the house.  She said she never wants to leave the house.  I said that is fine, but just know that while you are living at my house you follow my rules.  One of the rules I told her was no boys.  Without blinking an eye, she says "Dad I will just sneak out of the house at midnight and go meet my boyfriend."

2.   January 2011 – Kelly was talking to Grandmom on the phone today and they were talking about when Grandmom and Pop-Pop were coming for a visit.  Kelly told Grandmom that her and Pop-Pop would have to sleep on the floor in the girls' room instead of on the extra bed in the toy room, "because the girls do not like having to clean the toy room."

3.   March 2011 - Overheard this conversation bewteen Amy and Annie (Annie was 7 at the time). Not sure the beginning, but probably had something to do with fighting with her sister.  Annie begins, "But, she ..."  Amy interrupts with, "I said, No more talking!"  After a 10 second stare down, I hear Amy say, "Do you understand me?"  They continue staring and then Amy says "Well?"  And Annie looks at Amy, dead in the eye, and mumbles, "You said no more talking."

 

If a Tree Falls in the Woods...

You know the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"  My deep thought goes like this, "Is it possible with one statement to three girls at the same time to be all knowing and powerful; humored and dismissed; and completely questioned as if I speak a Foreign language and am completely wrong?"  If you live in a house that has three girls aged 4, 7 and 9, the answer to that deep thought is, YES. Especially so if the 4 year old worships the ground you walk on, and believes everything you say and only trusts what you said even if another person said the exact same thing five seconds before you.  And, if you have a 7 year old who is the life of the party and lets things go in one ear and out the other and just goes about what she was planning anyway.  And if your 9 year old is going on 25 and is [unfortunately] too much like you and always has to be correct and have the last word and thinks she is the smartest person in the room on any given subject whether she even knows what the subject is about and has a hard time admitting she is wrong and will take things to the grave still believing she is correct, and will continue to argue over a topic even though she knows she is wrong just in hopes that the other person will give up and say she is correct. If you have all three types of those people living in your house at the same time, then you definitely can be the greatest, invisible, and the worst person, all at the same time.

Five O'Clock Shadow

The official end of summer is right around the corner, and for me ... thank goodness!  Do not get me wrong - this past summer has been great and I have had a wonderful time with friends and family. I am happy because it means we are approaching cooler weather and longer sleeves. Which means I can stop shaving my oldest daughter's arm pits. 

Let me take a step back. This is as much a post about being a stay at home dad to three girls and the uniqueness that it entails as it is an open letter of apology to those same girls. I confess I am a hairy person.  There, I got it off my chest and now I feel better.  Well, actually I did not get it off my chest.  It still looks like I have on a thin sweater when I take off my shirt.  I need to shave everyday and probably could shave twice a day if I had a special event at night that I needed to look nice for.  Unfortunately for my daughters they have inherited this hair growing gene. Of course none of them could have gotten a Y chromosome to go with it so they would be a boy, but oh well.  It was cute when they were born and came out with full heads of hair.  Amy was able to put pretty bows in their hair right away and everyone said how adorable that was.  Then the hair just kept growing. And growing. And growing. Each of our daughters had haircuts by the time they turned one, and they probably could have used one sooner. 

I have known about this 'hair issue' for the oldest for the last few months. But one of the perks of being the only male in the house is that I normally don't have to deal with the female body issues. So I was not fully aware of all that would be involved here. For example, I was aware of the Nair bottle in the bathroom cabinet and the regular proclamations by Amy to the oldest that it was time to use it.  However, I had no clue about the process to remove, or the extent of the amount of hair needing to be removed.

Then swim season started in early June and the two oldest girls joined the swim team at our neighborhood club here in Atlanta. On the first day of practice the oldest took off her shirt and I noticed something that would have made her extremely embarrassed.  Not knowing what else to do, I told the coach we forgot something at home. I quickly drove there to get her a swim shirt to wear at practice. Timing being impeccable, Amy was away for work, and so it was left to me to extricate the hair from under the arms.  I read the directions on the Nair bottle carefully and did my best.  However, either the bottle of Nair was defective, or it was my, um, technique.  The rubbing and scrubbing of the cream did not result in the removal of hair. It did, however, produce a good amount of screaming.  Screaming by both me for her to hold still, and by my daughter because I was being too rough and this is not "how mom does it."  You see, that is the exact phrase that drives me crazy.  I thought, fine I will show you the way I do it!  I figured to do what I know best.  What I have been doing since the 7th grade.  What I did sparingly during college when I thought I was cool having a beard, goatee, fu man chus, 70's porn mustache, etc.  I went and got some shaving cream and my razor and went to work.  At the first sight of the razor the oldest was scared, but after I got the shaving cream on and began, everything went smoothly. 

The only problem now is that every other week or so I need to perform my magic again. It worked so well, the oldest will not go back to Nair and "Mom's Way."  It's Dad's way or the highway.

This weekend, our pool club will host the end of season Labor Day party. And the pool will close. And I will officially be happy that summer is over.

Wedding Quote Wednesday

Here are a couple from the vault to help you get over #HumpDay and to the long weekend.

1. February 2010 – Annie, Brigid, and Amy were upstairs and Kelly and I were downstairs.  Kelly said she wanted to go upstairs with Mommy and I said “Don’t you want to stay down here and keep me company?”  She said, “I will bring in my doll Marabelle to keep you company and she does not talk back.”
2. March 2010 – We were in Newport for St. Patrick's Parade and our friends stopped over Amy’s parent’s house to hang out before going to another friend’s house.  The father said they would call later in the day and stop back over to hang out a little.  Well that evening Annie asked why the other family did not come back over and Amy, said they were probably busy.  Annie then said, “The father said they were coming.  Well you know he is not the boss in that house and he does not know what is going on.  The mom probably did not want to come back.”
3. July 2012 - Brigid at church after Annie gave her "the sign of peace". She says,  "Annie I do not like peas."

Must see TV

Yours truly has been selected from a prestigious group of stay at home parents to be part of a small panel to appear live, in studio, on #RaisingAmerica with Kyra Phillips tomorrow, Friday August 16th at noon.  Or it could be that not that many people responded to the request and they took everyone that did.  Either way I will be on TV sharing with America all of my words of wisdom on parenting.  Be sure to record, #HLNTV at noon, or better yet just plan to start your weekend early and stay home and watch!

The topic is Missing Children.  Thank goodness we have never had to deal with anything close to a missing child and I hope we never will.  We did have two incidents in the last year when the 3 year old wondered off from us in public places.  And anyone who has had this happen before knows that it is one of the worse feelings you could ever have as a parent.

The first time was when we were in the Children's Museum in Atlanta.  We had just moved down here and we went to the museum on a Saturday.  The place was packed.  My wife and I were split up with the 3 girls all wanting to go in different locations.  At one point all five of us met at an activity and all of a sudden my wife and I both say at the same time "Where is Brigid?".  Thus the panicked search begins.  After a couple of minutes of looking with no luck, Amy finds a staff member and instantly their walkie-talkies are buzzing and the whole staff is searching for her.  I eventually found her in the grocery store part of the museum playing very happily.  The total time from realization that she was not with us to joyous reunion was maybe 10 minutes at most, but in your heart and gut it felt like an hour. 

The second time was just a month ago while back in RI for summer vacation.  And of course it was the little one that decided she wanted to explore another part of the beach.  She claims she was searching for daddy, but what she really did was try to follow her big sister to the neighboring beach club.  Again it was a frantic search that included beach staff, several friends, and family members.  At one point the beach manager asked if we wanted the gates closed and locked.  That sent shivers down my spine thinking that we needed to be that drastic.  Again, thankfully she was found unharmed in about ten minutes, but it seemed like a lot longer.

I hope none of my family members or friends ever have to deal with any type of missing child situation.  And to help you protect your kids, be sure to record or tune in to #HLNTV at noon tomorrow for #RaisingAmerica with Kyra Phillips and special guest Frank Quinn. 

Wedding Quote Wednesday

In honor of Nana coming to visit tomorrow here are a couple of old ones that involve her.

 

1.    The girls were shopping in December of 2009 and Amy ran into a store and left Kelly, Brigid and Nana in the car.  Brigid started crying and Nana was unable to console her from the passenger front seat so she got out and came around to Brigid’s side of the car.  While she was then calming Brigid down, Kelly said “you really do not know how to take care of her, do you?”

2.    Same shopping trip, everyone was in Christmas Tree Shop and Kelly had to go to the bathroom.  The bathrooms were right next to the toys and Kelly started saying “can I get that, I want that, etc.” Amy said not right now and Kelly said “Mom you said ‘we’ll see and we saw and now you won’t let me get anything’” I guess earlier in the car Amy responded to Kelly asking if she could get a toy in the store by saying the usually parent response of “we’ll see.”  Well Kelly took her literally.  I think Nana ended up getting the toy for her!

Wedding Quote Wednesday

Have a great hump day.  Here are some from way back.

1.     December 2009 -  Amy was driving to a spinning class at the Y with Kelly.  Kelly asked Amy why they were going to the Y and she said because she was taken a spinning class.  Kelly sat there for a couple of minutes and then said to Amy “Mom, wouldn’t it be easier if they just called it learn to ride your bike class.”

2.   December 2009 – I was giving Annie a bath.  She had a couple of band aids on her knees from when she fell while walking to the school bus.  One was starting to peel off and I was “playing with it” to help it come off.  Annie was OK because I was not peeling it.  Then I guess I started to talk in a soothing and distracting voice and Annie said “I know that voice and how you are talking now means you are going to pull it off."  She then started to squirm and stopped me from doing it.  Pretty adapt at reading tone and inflection.
3.  February 2010 – Annie, Brigid, and Amy were upstairs and Kelly and I were downstairs.  Kelly said she wanted to go upstairs with Mommy and I said, “Don’t you want to stay down here and keep me company?”  She said, “I will bring in my doll Marabelle to keep you company and she does not talk back.”

Undue Emotional Distress

This by far and away is the hardest post I have had to written.  Thus the delay in posting anything new for a while.  Not because I can not find the words.  It is simply because the subject matter is myself and the emotional changes I have discovered recently.  And because these emotional changes are not what a typical "guy" should feel.  Now I am not saying I am the ultimate "guy-guy", but I would like to think I tend towards to that end of the spectrum.

However, I have to admit that the toll of living with four women and all of the estrogen and hormones in the house have finally begun to take its toll.  And that toll is me becoming teary eyed or choked up at the slightest heart-string tugging moment.  Sometimes it does not even take that much to get me going.  Now there has always been the occasional movie or event were I would get teary eyed and I knew it was socially acceptable by other guys.  For example, the end of "Rudy" when they carry him off the field, or even better when all the players want Rudy to "dress in their place" for the last game.  You could actually insert any good sports movie ("Remember The Titans", "The Rookie", "Hoosiers", "Field of Dreams", "Miracle", etc.), but for some reason "Rudy" really sticks out more then most.  Also, I have obviously gotten choked up on my wedding day and when my daughters were born.  I know I have teared up after getting hit in the man parts, which is definitely acceptable.  These are all extremely fine events for a man to get teary eyed and feel a little emotion well up in their throat.  Those are not the moments I am talking about.  Here is a list of some recent situations when I began to get that feeling of I better choke down these tears or I am going to be blubbering like a fool:

1. Pretty much anytime "Home" by Phillip Phillips is on a commercial (even car commercials)
2. When the 102 year old lady was announced during the State of the Union address
3. At the end of "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King", when the new King bowed to Frodo and the Hobbits
4. SI articles about athletes overcoming adveristy
5. ESPN Segments on kids with disabilities doing amazing sports things
6. During our Friday night family movies when watching "Up", "Finding Nemo", "Life of Timothy Green"

But the last straw was when I began to get the apple sized lump in my throat during "For Love of the Game."  It was not when Kevin Costner's chararcter got the final out for his perfect game or when he met up with his star crossed love in the airport.  It was when his catcher came out to him in the 9th inning and said "We are here for you.  We do not stink right now...."  I am not sure what else was said exactly.  The exact words are not important, because what got me so upset at my emotional reaction was the actor saying them.  I was getting choked up by John C. Reilly delivering a cheesy Hollywood movie line.  John C. Reilly from "Talladega Nights", "Step Brothers", "Wreck It Ralph", etc.  Not exactly your most dramatic thespian in movies today.

I remember a similar experience of getting emotional when I was younger.  My family and I were all watching "Beaches" and I started to get the tears in the eyes.  I quickly wiped my eyes and said "I think I got something in my eye."  Still a line my sisters and parents use when they want to make fun of me.  I can remember that so clearly because it was one of the only times it happened growing up.  Now it seems I will get emotional if I get a sappy Hallmark card in the mail.

Maybe I am not at rock bottom quite yet.  I have not found myself sitting in the car alone singing along, agreeing with, and crying to Adele or Norah Jones.  But I am not sure how far I am away from that moment.  At the rate the girls are growing and maturing I am sure the increase in hormones is almost going to be palbable in the house.  No matter how hard I try, I may succumb to the emotional breakdowns like it was secondhand pot smoke from college in a tiny dormroom.  And no matter how much the wifey wants to deny it, at her current age she is closer to menopause and all of that fun then she is to the carefree college years. 

So add up three young, emotional girls and one older emotional wife and I am not sure I even have a fighting chance.  However, I see this scenario playing out in two possible outcomes.  Either I just stop fighting it and get in touch with all of my emotions and just let everything coming pouring out like a volcano.  I will sit around with all of my girls eating frozen cookie dough and gallons of ice cream while crying about boys and mean girls.  Or I fight the good fight and continue to engage in competitive sports, watching lots of sports and drinking beer and hanging out with the guys.  I think I owe it to all of the dads out there with multiple daughters and no sons to choke back the tears and to try my hardest to keep the emotions at an accepatble level.  Unless I am watching "Rudy" then it is OK to blubber like a fool.  And if the estrogen levels get to be just too much to fight I will immediately set an appointment with my doctor to start the testosterone shot treatment.

Wedding Quote Wednesday

Bringing back an old favorite: Wedding Quotes - one liners from the girls that I hope to share one day on their wedding days. The plan is to post a couple new ones each week, as in #WeddingQuoteWednesday.  Here are a couple to start off:

          1.)  We were reading about the first family, the Obama’s, tonight and in one picture Sasha Obama had a backpack that is the same style as Kelly’s but in a different color.  Kelly said “that must be the girl that got the last color backpack that I wanted.”

          2.)  As Brigid and I were driving home the other day she had her finger in her nose as usual. I said take your finger out. She said, "My nose hurts, I have to get the boogies out of there."

          3.)  Annie asked Amy the other night if "Saddle a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" is a country music song?

Dads Do It Differently Article

So just over a week ago I was made aware of a reporter looking for information from stay at home dads (Thanks Stacie Schafer).  The reporter, Josh Levs from CNN and HLNTV, was putting together a new segment for the show Raising America on HLNTV.  It is called Dads Do It Differently.  He was interested in things people don't know about what our life is like, how stay-at-home dads are different from stay-at-home moms, and our thoughts about the depictions of full-time dads on TV?

Since I have plenty of opinions on a lot of subjects I thought I would provide Josh with some of my thoughts.  I sent him a very long winded response to his questions.  Surprisingly, he liked what I had to say and mentioned he might use me in his article.  I did not think anymore about it since I knew he was gathering information from stay at home dads across the country.  However, much to my delight, I was quoted twice in his article and may be mentioned during the TV show.  Here is a link to the article.  http://www.hlntv.com/article/2013/02/28/dads-do-it-differently-josh-levs

I am hoping that since Josh is based here in Atlanta he may require some more stay at home dad insights and pearls of wisdom from his local contacts.  Maybe he will even want me to appear on his show.  I know all of my fans will love that.  I guess if that happens it will be another bonus of moving to Georgia.

Stay tuned, maybe this staying at home with three girls will finally start to pay some dividends.

Sounds of Silence

I do not deal with this as much now that the kids are a little older, but I was just reminded of this post I started a little while ago and did not finish.  So I decided to finish it up now.

Most times in a house full of children when it is quiet that means there is peace and harmony.  The kids are playing nicely or quietly reading or even sitting and watching a show.  It is wonderful when the quietness in the house means all the little ones are dreaming sweet dreams in their cozy beds.  The trouble is when those sounds of silence actually mean more trouble then if everyone was yelling and screaming at each other.

You can feel the difference between the peaceful silence and the dreaded silence.  The peaceful silence you were expecting.  For example, bedtime, favorite TV show, or even a much required rest/quiet reading time.  But the dreaded silence comes about all of a sudden and comes over you like a wave of uneasiness.  For example, when normally the 18 month old is tearing through the house pulling all of her toys, and the things she should not be playing with, out of drawers and off of shelves, you are pleading for some silence.  But when all of a sudden it is quiet, too quiet you get worried.  Then you go quickly searching for the baby to find out what is happening.  And then you see her playing with a pen and expressing her creativity on the tables and walls.  Or you find her standing up on her rocking chair.  Maybe you find her playing "work"with all of  your important files from the filing cabinet. The uneasy quietness could be the times they managed to move the gate by the stairs and are at the very top of said stairs looking down at you.  Or worse of all when they are slobbering away on a very important piece of electronic equipment (cell phone or remote control).

The range of emotions comes over you different in each situation, but the actual emotions are generally the same.  1.) Anticipation - What are they doing and where are they doing it? 2.) Fear - Are they hurt? 3.) Surprise - How did they possibly do that? 4.) Anger - If they are not hurt, oh boy are they getting a BIG timeout. 5.) Joy - After everything else I now get to post a pic of said kid in said crazy situation and post on FB and get "LOL's" and lots of "Likes" from friends.

But it is those few seconds of silence that just get you as a parent.  Maybe it is our sixth sense.  But whatever it is you know when it is happening and you know it is time to look for the kid.