"Strange Man in Girls Department"

I have thought this for a while now as I regularly shop for my three daughters, but it just really hit me yesterday at WalMart.  I may, on occasion, look like a weirdo in a store.  I know to some friends this may not come as a shock.  I know many friends thought I looked like a serial killer when I use to wear my golf shirts buttoned right up to the top and tucked into my jeans. Or, in college, when I came back from a semester abroad with a full beard. However, in the circumstance I am talking about right now, I am completely innocent.

My wife had asked me to pickup underwear for our 10 year old daughter. I had no idea I would have to decide if she would like briefs, hipsters, or bikini style.  I needed to decide whether to get her size 10 or 12 (so she can grow into them).  So there I am, with several packages in my hand, and I am looking over them very intently.  I probably also had a grin on my face ... But only because I was thinking about something funny I had said earlier in the day that was completely unrelated to the current situation.

So, my concern is that from a far someone could easily get the wrong idea and think I am just a perv getting his kicks in the girls department at WalMart.  It also felt different today because these were the biggest sizes in the girls department. I realized I am one size away from handling teenage girls panties. (Hmm. That statement is a lot worse in writing. Oh boy.)  I did not have as much an issue buying size 2, 4, 6, or even 8 underwear.  I guess the double digit and the beginning of the choices of styles just really got to me.

I guess going forward my options are for the wife to start buying the underwear or only shopping with the girls by my side as evidence that I do have daughters.  However, if those options are not available I will have to do it myself.  And, I am not even sure how I am going to feel going back there by myself.  I already have this uneasy feeling that the store has my picture up in the back office and will be watching me closely each time I enter the store.  And because of that, I will probably just run through the girls department and grab whichever package has the right size on it, no matter the style or designs.  The only problem with going to fast is if I make a wrong turn I will end up in the women's lingerie department.  And I know for a fact that if you handle packages in that department with a grin on your face you do get kicked out of the store immediately.  On a different topic, only four more months until I am allowed back in Target!

Conflicting Priorities: The Elf on the Shelf

"I really dislike our Elf. Second night of season and already forgot to move him. #parentfail"

I posted this on Facebook earlier this week and the response was incredible. One friend responded that I'm probably mad because I did not think of the idea first. While she might be onto something, that is besides the point.  This damn Elf just plain drives me insane.

My frustration has nothing to do with all of the creative displays people are doing with their Elves, or the, um, strange predicaments they put them in. It is simply based on the fact that my wife and I forget to move the damn thing more times then not.  And then we spend the next morning coming up with excuses why he did not move.  He is around for 24 nights and for me that is 24 too many. We do not even do anything elaborate with our Elf.  We just move him from one location to another, but even that causes more stress then it should.

My post prompted alot of, um, helpful suggestions: excuses we could use to help explain his lack of mobility, ideas for new Elf locations. A couple friends even suggested I set an alarm each night at 9:45 to remind me to move the Elf.

Unfortunately, that timer conflicts with my long standing alarm that reminds me to steal a piece of the girls' Halloween candy, grab another beer, collapse on the couch, watch a TV show that I like, and celebrate all of my "angels" being asleep.

Ironically, my post about the Elf also generated the interest of a producer at HLN's News Now.  Tune in today at 3pm to hear the discussion ...

Wedding Quote Wednesday

Here are a few funny quotes from the past to get my Atlanta friends feeling good on this miserable rainy hump day.  All of my other friends can enjoy too, even if it is not raining where you live.

1.   October 2010 - Kelly and I were talking about when she gets older and moves out of the house.  She said she never wants to leave the house.  I said that is fine, but just know that while you are living at my house you follow my rules.  One of the rules I told her was no boys.  Without blinking an eye, she says "Dad I will just sneak out of the house at midnight and go meet my boyfriend."

2.   January 2011 – Kelly was talking to Grandmom on the phone today and they were talking about when Grandmom and Pop-Pop were coming for a visit.  Kelly told Grandmom that her and Pop-Pop would have to sleep on the floor in the girls' room instead of on the extra bed in the toy room, "because the girls do not like having to clean the toy room."

3.   March 2011 - Overheard this conversation bewteen Amy and Annie (Annie was 7 at the time). Not sure the beginning, but probably had something to do with fighting with her sister.  Annie begins, "But, she ..."  Amy interrupts with, "I said, No more talking!"  After a 10 second stare down, I hear Amy say, "Do you understand me?"  They continue staring and then Amy says "Well?"  And Annie looks at Amy, dead in the eye, and mumbles, "You said no more talking."

 

If a Tree Falls in the Woods...

You know the saying, "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"  My deep thought goes like this, "Is it possible with one statement to three girls at the same time to be all knowing and powerful; humored and dismissed; and completely questioned as if I speak a Foreign language and am completely wrong?"  If you live in a house that has three girls aged 4, 7 and 9, the answer to that deep thought is, YES. Especially so if the 4 year old worships the ground you walk on, and believes everything you say and only trusts what you said even if another person said the exact same thing five seconds before you.  And, if you have a 7 year old who is the life of the party and lets things go in one ear and out the other and just goes about what she was planning anyway.  And if your 9 year old is going on 25 and is [unfortunately] too much like you and always has to be correct and have the last word and thinks she is the smartest person in the room on any given subject whether she even knows what the subject is about and has a hard time admitting she is wrong and will take things to the grave still believing she is correct, and will continue to argue over a topic even though she knows she is wrong just in hopes that the other person will give up and say she is correct. If you have all three types of those people living in your house at the same time, then you definitely can be the greatest, invisible, and the worst person, all at the same time.

Five O'Clock Shadow

The official end of summer is right around the corner, and for me ... thank goodness!  Do not get me wrong - this past summer has been great and I have had a wonderful time with friends and family. I am happy because it means we are approaching cooler weather and longer sleeves. Which means I can stop shaving my oldest daughter's arm pits. 

Let me take a step back. This is as much a post about being a stay at home dad to three girls and the uniqueness that it entails as it is an open letter of apology to those same girls. I confess I am a hairy person.  There, I got it off my chest and now I feel better.  Well, actually I did not get it off my chest.  It still looks like I have on a thin sweater when I take off my shirt.  I need to shave everyday and probably could shave twice a day if I had a special event at night that I needed to look nice for.  Unfortunately for my daughters they have inherited this hair growing gene. Of course none of them could have gotten a Y chromosome to go with it so they would be a boy, but oh well.  It was cute when they were born and came out with full heads of hair.  Amy was able to put pretty bows in their hair right away and everyone said how adorable that was.  Then the hair just kept growing. And growing. And growing. Each of our daughters had haircuts by the time they turned one, and they probably could have used one sooner. 

I have known about this 'hair issue' for the oldest for the last few months. But one of the perks of being the only male in the house is that I normally don't have to deal with the female body issues. So I was not fully aware of all that would be involved here. For example, I was aware of the Nair bottle in the bathroom cabinet and the regular proclamations by Amy to the oldest that it was time to use it.  However, I had no clue about the process to remove, or the extent of the amount of hair needing to be removed.

Then swim season started in early June and the two oldest girls joined the swim team at our neighborhood club here in Atlanta. On the first day of practice the oldest took off her shirt and I noticed something that would have made her extremely embarrassed.  Not knowing what else to do, I told the coach we forgot something at home. I quickly drove there to get her a swim shirt to wear at practice. Timing being impeccable, Amy was away for work, and so it was left to me to extricate the hair from under the arms.  I read the directions on the Nair bottle carefully and did my best.  However, either the bottle of Nair was defective, or it was my, um, technique.  The rubbing and scrubbing of the cream did not result in the removal of hair. It did, however, produce a good amount of screaming.  Screaming by both me for her to hold still, and by my daughter because I was being too rough and this is not "how mom does it."  You see, that is the exact phrase that drives me crazy.  I thought, fine I will show you the way I do it!  I figured to do what I know best.  What I have been doing since the 7th grade.  What I did sparingly during college when I thought I was cool having a beard, goatee, fu man chus, 70's porn mustache, etc.  I went and got some shaving cream and my razor and went to work.  At the first sight of the razor the oldest was scared, but after I got the shaving cream on and began, everything went smoothly. 

The only problem now is that every other week or so I need to perform my magic again. It worked so well, the oldest will not go back to Nair and "Mom's Way."  It's Dad's way or the highway.

This weekend, our pool club will host the end of season Labor Day party. And the pool will close. And I will officially be happy that summer is over.

Wedding Quote Wednesday

Here are a couple from the vault to help you get over #HumpDay and to the long weekend.

1. February 2010 – Annie, Brigid, and Amy were upstairs and Kelly and I were downstairs.  Kelly said she wanted to go upstairs with Mommy and I said “Don’t you want to stay down here and keep me company?”  She said, “I will bring in my doll Marabelle to keep you company and she does not talk back.”
2. March 2010 – We were in Newport for St. Patrick's Parade and our friends stopped over Amy’s parent’s house to hang out before going to another friend’s house.  The father said they would call later in the day and stop back over to hang out a little.  Well that evening Annie asked why the other family did not come back over and Amy, said they were probably busy.  Annie then said, “The father said they were coming.  Well you know he is not the boss in that house and he does not know what is going on.  The mom probably did not want to come back.”
3. July 2012 - Brigid at church after Annie gave her "the sign of peace". She says,  "Annie I do not like peas."

Must see TV

Yours truly has been selected from a prestigious group of stay at home parents to be part of a small panel to appear live, in studio, on #RaisingAmerica with Kyra Phillips tomorrow, Friday August 16th at noon.  Or it could be that not that many people responded to the request and they took everyone that did.  Either way I will be on TV sharing with America all of my words of wisdom on parenting.  Be sure to record, #HLNTV at noon, or better yet just plan to start your weekend early and stay home and watch!

The topic is Missing Children.  Thank goodness we have never had to deal with anything close to a missing child and I hope we never will.  We did have two incidents in the last year when the 3 year old wondered off from us in public places.  And anyone who has had this happen before knows that it is one of the worse feelings you could ever have as a parent.

The first time was when we were in the Children's Museum in Atlanta.  We had just moved down here and we went to the museum on a Saturday.  The place was packed.  My wife and I were split up with the 3 girls all wanting to go in different locations.  At one point all five of us met at an activity and all of a sudden my wife and I both say at the same time "Where is Brigid?".  Thus the panicked search begins.  After a couple of minutes of looking with no luck, Amy finds a staff member and instantly their walkie-talkies are buzzing and the whole staff is searching for her.  I eventually found her in the grocery store part of the museum playing very happily.  The total time from realization that she was not with us to joyous reunion was maybe 10 minutes at most, but in your heart and gut it felt like an hour. 

The second time was just a month ago while back in RI for summer vacation.  And of course it was the little one that decided she wanted to explore another part of the beach.  She claims she was searching for daddy, but what she really did was try to follow her big sister to the neighboring beach club.  Again it was a frantic search that included beach staff, several friends, and family members.  At one point the beach manager asked if we wanted the gates closed and locked.  That sent shivers down my spine thinking that we needed to be that drastic.  Again, thankfully she was found unharmed in about ten minutes, but it seemed like a lot longer.

I hope none of my family members or friends ever have to deal with any type of missing child situation.  And to help you protect your kids, be sure to record or tune in to #HLNTV at noon tomorrow for #RaisingAmerica with Kyra Phillips and special guest Frank Quinn.